and things would not be this way if this was not the most consistent thing in my life.  and the good things went away - which pisses me off too - I'm not perfect, fucker.  I make mistakes.  And I better fucking get something more than left in the dust, otherwise I fucking will hire someone to kill this guy or just off myself and cause a fucking ruckus.  I won't lose everything I care about.

I don't blame myself.  Those who tell me I should are consistently too hard on themselves and should complain once in a fucking while if it's warrented, and show some understanding when it's warrented as well.  But on that note, I've been beating myself up just fine - I just chose not to blame myself anymore.  Because that would destroy me completely.   And only makes things worse.

And on that note - given the people who do blame me... and that I respect them more than anyone else - it only fucks me up more to know that.  And doesn't help in the getting out processes.  It just makes me blame myself more.  Which, when it was not my fault, is not a motivating factor - it just sparks more hopelessness because I feel incapable of doing anything.

Even though I do. 

so I slept, and I woke up horribly depressed.

I've actually not been able to bring myself to do any kind of real ritual in a long long time - mostly because I've lost faith in anything working or lasting, and I'm a little resentful about everything.  If nothing had been wrong, I would have been able to deal with moving and all the other shit - but no, I completel lost confidence in everything that is actually right... and started focusing on shit that should have been over.  Which still pisses me off because I'm still doing it - because I'm still scared.  I'm scared about physical things and I'm scared about myself and my own soul.  And I'm resentful that I have to do anything. 

I would much rather focus on my regret at other things - but now I'm always on guard and pissed off.  I just don't have a fucking clue at how to deal with it or ever trust anything related to really being safe metaphysically again.  Which is like a big stop sign that makes me afraid to try. 

something just told me to wait until tomorrow - not certain which part it meant... but I guess I'll take a stab and assume it was going to talk to someone about a waitress position.  hell, it was right the last time.  or the looking for a job part. 

• take action and do actual rituals to A] let go and B] be certain that this person will not be attached to me in any future lives... to at least make that intention known to the universe.  Work at it.  I am ready to let go.
• take action and focus on getting back to where I was, but better - with creating the connections I want, and being the person I want to be... apologize for excuses and move on
• let go of anything holding me back, deal with anything that tries, have confidence that I an do it even if it feels like a lie when it's not, have the courage to turn the other cheek/not care, and make my life better

that's it!

awake for 3 days [never slept]... now I'm using a picture of myself online to do some sympathetic energy work on myself.   I was all gun ho this morning when I managed to get all the nasty obstructions off my neck and head - with a fight.  They came back - but I think I pissed them off.

Good.

Now I'm just doing whatever.  No way in fuck am I sleeping anytime soon.  And I'm going to try to keep my energy untainted by the people who live near me and typically socialize with me.  I'm like, drenched in it.   Kinda gross.  So, I don't think I'll be anywhere near good form by the time Twilght rolls along, but I'll be better and closer. 

Too bad I won't be able to afford a room... I'll be wandering and etc. all night for the 3 days I'm there.  Or hitting up clubs.

How  "vampiric". [or sadly broke]

*&$^$  I'm confused - okay for a while, really not okay for a while - I'd think I was bipolar if I didn't know better.  I don't know why.  I was fine before.  Maybe staying awake for long periods is like drinking right now - I shouldn't do it because I go to fucked up places.  Like, blacking out and punching someone, or blacking out and having random sex with someone.  I need to take some time to focus and disarm the bombs living in my skull.  They can't hurt me anymore. 

And I need to find a regular sex buddy or something like that.  I want to eat someone alive.  It's been a really long time [since coherent sex, that is] - last time I just grabbed someone who happened to like me and had my way... but I don't remember that.

I vaguely recall being happy.  But even when I was I was still holding back.  I want to go back to being happy and not doing that so much when I am close enough to pass through the barriers I didn't cross.  And this time I want to make certain that I will not be interrupted.  I'm certain I can protect myself, actualIy I know I can... it's just a matter and has always been a matter, of fucking with my own mental state.  Everything just takes time.   And probably therapy. 

Lately the only thing holding me back is being ashamed of falling off the wagon in the first place.  And because of more fear of lack of support than actual lack of support - which is bogus [yeah, great word].  And not trusting my instinct.  Who cares if I'm not in a place I feel comfortable - I should just get a job and leave - or at least find people I *want* to hang out with. 

Hopefully I can make enough money to go to Seattle next weekend.

I've been up for a couple of days [again]....

I don't even know what I'm looking at anymore.   Ah well... sleep time soon.

just cuz it should not be that hard doesn't mean that it's not.

OMG I'm pissed right now for no real reason.  Maybe I'll actually walk down to the free therapy place tonight before 10pm.

That is, unless I decide to post an escort ad tonight ... yeah, I'm going there.

If I can banish the watery entity near me and the random thoughtforms I might be able to get a good meditation in.  I want to feel pleasantly empty.  There are still things pushing at my head neck and shoulders trying to distort me to see or feel or hear things that are not accurate.  Really unpleasant energy is still around as well, trying to creep it's way in.  It's a lot harder to block your head/thoughts than anything else - I still don't have a good method for it, because I'm still vaguely aware of the space or feelings or thoughts of the things around me... and I don't like that unless it's being intentionally done.  I could probably get a lot more precise with this.   Thoughtforms are weird - but it just might be my own perception of them that lets them in so easily.  I've only ever felt comfortable with a few people's signatures overlapping mine, but that's only because they match me and are close to me.  Everyone else is strange - I keep forgetting that I can probably read them more than they can read me.  Except for the things that obsessively react to me, which are just annoying at this point and need to be put in their place.  Hard to ignore sharp things poking you in different points.  I've gotten crappy with shielding and other energy work stuff, so it'll take some time to build that up again - or perfect it, which I never did - obviously.  Might just spend some time "erasing" memory associations, or picturing them being erased.  Or rerouting links.  Or countering various energies.  I've pretty much gotten to the points where I can ignore my feelings or instinctive reactions about these things.  Something seems like its making me wobble back and forth and passing through my body, making me feel like my energy is dispersing - which is not  my energy and not positive/a good thing, but at least  can recognize some things again.  Will try to stick all negative and watery energy into the queen of cups card and bind it/sever it.  Just sent an unpleasant needle back to it's owner. 

And fear of failure seems like a silly thing.  I have a lot to do.  Whatever works.

Also might try out at Magic Garden tomorrow.  I want to make enough moola to go to Seattle in a couple weeks.

"he'll pay he'll pay he'll pay: is all that goes through my head for a good chunk of most days.  and you know what, he probably will... but I won't be there, and I really need to let this go.  On fucking long term rationale.  I don't spend days thinking about a father who molested me in a past life, besides being a little wary of my relationship with my father in this one - or getting my head chopped off, or burning alive... and in the long term, this too will pass.  It would have passed already if it had not been so persistent in not leaving me alone.  Just another thing to forget - that I'll probably need to forget before I die if I want anything to matter.  I'll probably just be wary of black people for a while - and people of that personality type.  I'll try my best to not repeat whatever mistakes led me to that situation - and frankly I don't remember and don't want to remember how the hell I got into that position in the first place.  Something god awfully oppressive must have happened to me in a past life I don't remember that made me afraid to live as myself or follow rational thought, or maybe I just made a few wrong choices - either way, I woke up in this one, and I'm not going to let that go.  I want that shit  burned on my memory forever.

it's been bothering me for a while that I've had such a strong focus on people... I really couldn't care less most of the time.  I don't have much of a support system, and I wouldn't need one if I weren't so horribly afraid of them to begin with... not that those around me have really been doing me much good besides an emotional barrier or focal point to distract me from wetting my pants - I think I only like one of my friends here... I want to start BSing philosophy and etc. with people again, trading opinions and being in relationships.  I've even remained metaphysically cocky even though my knowledge has crumbled like a bunch of stomped on wafers... I want to start living for that again... that next little breakthrough... without having to worry about people getting in my fucking face or in my energy.  Or those little bullshit things that like to screw with you when you're tryng to get somewhere.  I used to not have to try.  Now I have to stop trying to fuck up.  That's a bit harder to reverse. 

There's more to this shitty universe than what I've been able to discern lately - and I miss the mystery I blocked my self off from because of some stupid person who doesn't matter's crap.

Maybe things will fall into place automatically.  Maybe I can open my heart to life again.  Fuck knows I've ruined enough crap - and while I still think of it as a queston of fault - maybe out of fear or vengeance as well as truth - I want some of the things I lost back.  And if its any comfort to people I've hurt who I care about [but am sick of thinking about as well - no offense] - I'll be living with that regret and working through more BS patterns I've magically come up with for you and annhililating them - at least the ones that contain the bullshit emotion and blockage from real interaction... because I give a shit and enjoy real interaction with you bad or good, and I probably like parts of your personality that others find hard to deal with.  I'm not an idealist, I'm hard to deal with and I like hard to deal with people who will kick my ass once in a while  Might have ruined that, but I came close to where I wanted to be and to being happy.  I won't complain about that being ripped apart anymore - I'm just going to try to rebuild as much as I can.  Everyone else I might be polite to but ignore. 

It took a long time for me to build confidence and set myself apart a little - it'll take longer now because my first effort was quashed and fell to pieces.  I spent a long time feeling safe in my own head, making certain I locked my patterns in a place close to where I wanted them to be, and moved forward.  I don't know how long it will take this time.  The energetic resistence is pretty strong.  When I remember what happened last year I want to be able to feel what I was feeling with my barriers around me... complete devastation at something coming back that should have been gone, and absolutley no connection.  Sad pathethic honest self contained breakdown.  Instead now I think back and remember the peace in that, and how I could have rebuilt, but I can't recall it energetically.  Patterns are fucking physical - they don't change instantly.  Getting to that place too a lot of hard work and self trust - now that that's been shattered... it will take a long time to rebuild.  And be much more annoying.  I liked the linearity of the first time... progress, sloughing away, progrss sloughing away, progress.  Then came the small pitfalls gradually building up and down into a grand finale where everything crashed.

And then falling more.  Which had to happen because this shattered my worldview, and if I'm going to rebuild, it will have to be from scraps.  With a lot of fucking tantrums and fits.

I should make a graph.

I was doing fine before all this happened... a combination of little support and my own masochism and lack of decent contacts brought me to where I am.  Might not be a big deal to people who were always fine, but I really don't want to survive alone, and god knows I can't be myself or go in the ways I want.  And of course the people I want around are too late, because even if they started talking to me now, I would be pissed,and despite me not wanting to mess up again, it's a little fucking late...  I've developed some horrible patterns of thinking that aren't real, which would require a few sysles of getting pissed and regretful to realistically deal.  And to top it off, I know that if some people were around I would be totally fine and happy and free - if I wanted to be.  But even being in a state close to where I want to be can't last because I can't let it go.  I've gotten used to being sad and hopeless.  It's been a while. 

I'll eiither make it or I won't.   kinda hope I don't.  if I don't, please punish this asshole for me.  and if you can, forgive me for being a moron.  I probably understand more than you think.  sorry for the reactive notes, I fell into being unclear.  It happens.  And it's shit, kinda makes me weird to think about now.  my life sucks because you're not here, and because I've degraded.  Nothing in the past year and a half has been real.  I'm afraid of something that wouldn't be able to hurt me if I knew better, and I only seem to know better when you're around.  I'm depressed because I wasn't strong enough to keep that knowledge, or forgive myself.  Mainly because  didn't see a point, besides my own happiness.

It's bullshit, I;ve been wading in crap, and I want out- whether it be through cataclysm or a knife.  I want apyback for how helpless this person made me feel, and for the energetic manipulation that attempted to fill my soul with lies when I could not see reality clearly and was desparate to believe anything.  Now I can only think about it with substituations of things I actually would have wanted to happen. 

I just thank god I was smart and aware enough not to really buy into it.  That there was always something wrong - though I wish I had jut neve met the person and that my soul could be cleased from their presense in my head and my energy body or my thoughts. I was right to focus on other things - and I wish I could do that now.    Cuz while I am royally pissed, I don't want to interact with shit like that.  And that's been messing me up.   I guess I don't have to, but tell that to my everyday brain who has gotten used to it.  Obsessively.  I probaly have some kind of OCD along with PTSD.  It's a picnic.  I just reeeeally want this person to suffer.  And it's hard to let go of that.

So yeah, if  don't make it - please at least do that for me.  Or, if you actually do hate me - you've earned your right to, but still... try to understand without being too judgmental.  And if we talk again,not that I think you'll read this or care, try not to mention it. You've totally earned the right to freak out on me or earned my assistance with anything you might be going through if you ever want it - I'll probably be better later or in the next life.  I'm sorry I couldn't in this one  - and I can never apologize enough for that.

I hope I see you again, under better circumstances.  When I can stay clear.  I miss you.  And if I do go, I'll visit you.  But yeah - if I do, that would be my last wish - make the asshole suffer.  I've been afraid of my own shadow - and it's not pleasant or funny.  I never want to know why I was so fucked up at the beginning of this life - I just want to make certain it never happens again.. Ever.  In any lifetime.  If there's even a chance of that, I think I woul rather have my soul eaten alive and reborn.

Now I have something else to atone for, but with regret only coming to myself.  It should be easy, but it's not.  I just need to "remember" that this person can't hurt me and forget the patterns I've set up.  Cuz they are lame and pointless and a product of fear.  Sounds easy - but when you've fallen into a pattern of thinking and reacting it is hard to break.  And I am embarrassed.  Hard to break a cycles of thinking you are horrible and that the universe is against you when the opposite can be true... he can be dead.  And I want to happily think that and forget.  Like I said, might not make it.

Off to... do something.  It's 10pm and I've been up since 4am. 

miserable.

ha.  I applied for a shot at love 3... which is funny.  not that they'll pick my antisocial ass, but hell... filling out applications is fun.

I'm probably going to get off livejournal and switch to some other journal out there.  I found one of my friends old journals on greatestjournal from 2003 - made me miss that person and realize how much I need to drop my guard if I ever want the chance of something catching my attention again. 

Warding went well, looking at this journal is making me cringe.  I want to move to a suburb of LA again, though I don't know for what reason.  Or move to Seattle.  I still need to stop thinking about some things, like the people who impeded my freedom and those I care nothing about.  When I feel safe, I probably won't talk to anyone.  I wish I could just cloister myself now or only interact with a few of like mind.

I can't fucking believe I let bullshit hold me back for so long.  Maybe now I can start bulding my false structure of things always being okay and on the side of helping me progress instead of having me dwell on the past.  If only it was so easy as just putting it to the side.  I fell before I fell when I stopped working and let misery consume.

Now there is a wall and I am thrilled.  No more hell.  Funny how suddenly I was happy and weirded out by how stupid I've been, but foretting through the day.

I really want to "reclaim" the eye of ra symbol for what it was supposed to mean rather than how it was skewed - along with a bunch of other things - and I want to start going for what I want again cuz I've had a long stupid break - and I want to forget it all.

I want to interact with other v people and see things and be aware and watch the flash of black or white behind my eyes or my vision becoming like waves wth my ears only open to a select few without spoken words and people falling against walls or others I care about eating or sleeping or having sex through my body, and recognzing and tossing off bad unclean energy, and living in that dream that's more real than fiction and feeling safe to recognize iillusions and spitting in their faces.  That's what I want.

Freedom from confinement, no stalkers, no responses to useless things, and no need for others outside of a select few where needs are more urgent and primal.  I could love this life.  Along with it's pain.

Into the ashes and out of the flame...

weapons stay strong,
even when sleep is long.
razorblade skeletons; godform plastic-wrap.
multiplication of the moments that overlap.

sa..sna..

the flowers birthed of earth and ash.
the coffin trees that burn from the inside out.
water from a depth and resurrection.
eyes closed, open mouth.

dust of immaculate, unfathomable amounts of time.
three by three they raise it up; undulating, reverberating.
mighty angles of vertices catch light that does not shine.
channeled from infinity into pillars; prism to prism.

blood forms a bond, spirals in structures.
upper is lower, the walls are ruptured.

infinity in overlap.
sna.. snaa.. snap.

weapons stay strong, even when sleep is long.

by: you know who you are

when I rise out of my hell -  I want to meet someone who is how you were then - and fuck their goddamn brains out and do all the things I never got to with you.  but don't worry, I'm not stuck in the past, I'm looking toward what I want in my future.  and when I see you again I'll either pick a fight, cuz that would be really fun, or just give you a giant hug from behind.  But I wont remember my stupidity, so try not to mention it...//caution tape//

See you in my next incarnation of this lifetime.  Hopefully this one will have all bullshit removed. 

the deviation between being connected to someone and how they respond to you in person is fucked up.  i wrecked this friendship, I won't get over it [sorry], and I won't move on.  i feel like shit.  how can i expect her to talk to me in any kind of way that's not confused or hateful.  she hasn't been focusing on me.  she basically dumped me as a friend, which I'm not certain would have happened if some stupid shit hadn't.  but it might have.  i'm pissed because we were actually getting along.  and i'm harping on it because it was never resolved - it just fucking ended with no words.  maybe there was some kind of invisible support going on, and i'm certain there were issues on the other end - and i am insanely forgiving because I understand... but it pisses me off that she didn't even *want* to try.  i don't know if she ever actually cared, but i like to think that once in a while she did. 

the "now" really pisses me off.  maybe she hardened to a fucking rediculous degree.  or maybe she forgot that i have more layers than she's seeing.  i did need to get away for a while and shut down because i knew my thinking was not going to be stellar.  and i did revert a bit because my self esteem took a nosedive.  i know i need more good things in my life and  realize the error, but at the time i don't blame myself for my responses.  i know i'll never be as toned down in my responses toward her as she would prefer, but at the same time they are not that bad and I try to be clear about what need and know how I respond.  and i knew that before, too... a few words, and I'm happy.  i don't need much more.  i would think the only reason she would intentionally do that knowing that my brain would fuck itself eventually would be because that's what she wanted to happen - but i don't think that's the case.  if she didn't know that I didn't say anything to her that didn't have a good reason, she should know that now.  i'm not daft to how i function, and i do communicate.

or i try to, even when nobody is listening. 

Ari:

I'm sorry I fucked up. I love you, but I shoudn't need your validation.  And I'm sorry for overfocusing on you.  You helped me reach the place where I knew how to read myself and not judge myself based on lies and bullshit, and you're probably the only person I had a real connection with - that I've been fucking up.  I think our friendship would be fine if some things had not happened.  I wish you could just read me instead of listening to my words or read past the shit on the surface.  That's why I trusted you in the first place, because you could... but you're not in that space as much or just have your own ideas about how things should be.  I want to think that this life just didn't happen past a certain point, and that things had just happened to keep me clear and with a vague chance of ever being happy.  Again, I'm sorry I fucked up.  You'll probably never trust me again, and I've probably run out of time and chances, and I don't want to play the game anymore... I wish I could go back to LA and have things be like the past 2 years never happened. 

I am so deeply ashamed of everything.  I don't want to build again given that I've fucked up irreverically  - at least with you.  I keep tryng to figure out how to make shit work and processing what reactions wight be the most probable... but it doesn't seem to help.  It doesn't matter, you're not listening anyway.

You're the only person who made me happy.  And you're the only person I could  be honest with.  You're in a different place in this life right now, and you're not going to process this.  Especially because we're not talking... and because you never were as close to me as I was to you.  I'm sorry for whatever trouble I caused you.  I never know what to say to you.  One of the things I want more than anything is to be able to do something awesome for you - or do something besides screw your life up.  It would be nice to be that capable. 

I miss you.  Don't take that in an emo bullshit kind of way.  I know your responses to me are well earned given my crappy actions, and for the last time, I'll again say I'm sorry I've been and I have fucked up.  I need to find some way to forgive myself for the past 2 years so I can change - cuz right now I'm stuck in a loop of shameful regret and the only thing holding me back is basically being ashamed.  I don't need anyone's forgiveness but my own.  And I hope I can figure that out somehow.   I also hope I can really figure out some way to have the past bullshit be over - not in reference to you.  Just find the right pattern or sequence to make things fully end instead of looping or fucking up my life.  I want to know if it's even possible.  Mathematically.  I wondered if death would do it, and I guess I still do...   And I think there used to be an answer, but I [dum dum dum] fucked up.  I guess now the only answer is tring to find a roundabout way to get back to the answer - I don't think that's possible.  But it is.  I need to figure out how to let answers be more clear as well, but I don't know how to go about that - getting in touch with the "green" side of things might help... which is where I want to be going.

I hope I can have you back in my life.    I'm kinda scared of that, too because it would force me to work... which is what I really want.  I've gotten too used to being lazy and it's making me miserable.  I just hope that the statement "I want to get out of this" will hit something somewhere that won't screw with me and that I someday won't have to be afraid of shit anymore.  Reasonably this should all work... especially since I am still going to get help physically removing the person who latched onto me - which will help me be capable of proper thought.  When that happens, I'll have no more excuses or reasons to fall or fail.  I don't really feel bad about needing help to do it anymore.  And I'm sorry I pestered you about that for so long, when I was able to find people who can do it.   You're still the only person who I know who I think would be capable of truly changing some things, but I suppose I can try that for myself. 

I love you.  And don't take that in a stupid way either.  I know you don't feel the same way, you have little reason to.  I like who you are, as long as I'm not on your bad side or some things aren't directed at me.  I respected your opinion and honestly, when we stopped talking I lost a lot of confidence - mainly because you were pretty much the only good thing going on.  I apologize again for overfocusing and the validation issue - it was helpful for a while when I didn't know up from down, but I held onto it after I learned.

still alive. 

can we just kill everything else that's inside me?

ugh.

Is it really sad that I'm looking forward to the Seattle Twilight meetup so much - even though it'll probably be the same old thing?
Is it really sad that I'm really yearning for the kind of intimacy that only "some people" inspire in me?  And that when I meet a person like that I want to dive into their skulls and interact in ways that are normal to me?  

I've been so desperate for that kind of contact without fucking life shit lately it sickens me.  Life shit doesn't matter... it's not always there.  I can realize my mistakes, but I can't fix them.  I can understand that I can, but it doesn't mean it'll happen.  There are too many "people".   Always some distraction.  And nobody around.  Even when they're there.  Everyone has their own lives.  I don't want a life... at least not the one I have.

I've blocked myself off so much from who I am... and I choose not to include the human shit in the "who I am".  I typically even know better than what I'm thinking.  But "people" misread and want things that I will never give them and don't really expect anyone to give me.   And "people", even those who know how to work with energy and on the surface seem to "know what the are talking about" are full of shit.   I only like the game if I'm winning.  And I can't win with the vast majority of "things" on this fucking shithole getting in my way.  People are good for some things, but not that. 

Reality is reality.
What is objective is objective.
Just because you believe something else doesn't make it true.
It just creates more illusions.

oh fuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I rock at making windows crash.

still no wireless at my house, at the local bar.

back to the fugue state soon.
Despite whatever, I am still ashamed that I managed to fuck myself again so royally.  This might necessitate another move.

Psion Guild people got back to me - initial scans look like there are hooks or something like that in my subtle body where I feel the problems, and the guy who is helping me is going to remove them and put a ward in my system to prevent anything with a pattern like his from latching on.  Not certain when, but soon.

That will be such a fucking relief.  I just want to forget about this shit. 

I wonder if there is a way to induce amnesia metaphysically.  Like not remembering anything or who the fuck the other person was, but just kinda waking up in the middle of a lifetime , going 'wtf', and running with it.

I wanna do that.  Bodily harm and all.  That... would be awesome. 

1. kill not only the bodies but the souls of probably about 99.9% of the population, especially rapists, tweakers, and abusers... not to mention hardcore christians and anyone who is against abortion.  And do it violently.  With fire.

2. change my structure to my liking and destroy any and all things impeding me from being on the journey toward what I consider my true self

3. fix the problems in #2 for people I care about, including anything physical, mental, or whatever.  including tracking down the souls of people who have hurt me or my friends in past lives, and hurting them right back.

Fuck everyone else.


What 3 things would you do if you were god for a day?

it's going to take a lot of work on my own mental state to get rid of the attachments and impediments facing me right now.  it might be another series of sleepless nights, constant focus, and no rest to clear these passages.  What do I expect after almost 2 years of constantly focusing on shit?  I can't even "look around" at this point without interference.  Let alone let anything in... which I miss.  I was so lucky when I was younger... none of this crap followed me around.  

And to the people who have not seen me waxing metaphysical as of late, I'm working on some of my internal things and etc. right now, but speak up - I miss talking to you guys. I've been dead in that area not by choice for a period of time and am trying to get back on the right track. Basically starting today.

I am also thinking about more long term plans in my life after some things are established in my head. I want to go to Egypt eventually to finish my degree and minor in egyptology. I might yet get some kind of interesting job where I can combine egyptology and computer science. That would be a dream come true. Right now my goal is to get my mental state and my metaphysical state back up to par. it sucks when the wrong things interfere with your life, but I will make it better, thanks to awesome people like yourselves. I am already looking back and seeing just how absolutely stupid I have been. I may have wrecked [train wreck] some friendships but I have to move on if I ever want to be happy - and maybe hopefully we'll meet again in another few years and we can all forget. You'll always be in my heart.

I don't think I'm going back to LA anytime soon, unless it's to pick up my stuff or if something weird happens while I'm there. I have cheap ass rent here, and I want to save money so I can travel - not that I wouldn't be able to get some kind of modeling work in europe, but nothing is certain - I still need to take care of getting a new ID and SS card, and then a passport. I can finally change my gender back to female [long stupid story]. I want to forget everything but remember other things. The me most of you know is not nearly who or where I am.

q    fvbnmh gsghyot880
hkv cmnbgdyj8ytghzc87kocgyu9fddddddddddddddgstrbhnjuik9876
ythhhestyyju67i86o986o86o865865e754w6y54wt34qr53243243trewt
r343tg54h36 7y6u
35bu wthrsegh 53q5t42q432q r3wwq   ew23322223333333
333333rwer4wt4et54ewy6ey65e754hbgfhydhfdsgfdsmnghdsjanvkdsnfsncmxnvgkdmnvmnfdjgvhjxd mdnzvcghdvsfsa
vfdnsjfbkvjldsnkghernc x,zfdnkjsahfdghuerywtrhejaklfhrewyt8eut9per
gfeshfdjshifuhseraoa9yiowrheowiaf\]dsaohibfesa89frehwaio

I'm going to start with the friends only deal - just cuz I have no clue who reads this and I'm going to start using this as a therapy journal... so yeah.

ps:  William - Hah.  I'm using my system.